He Does Not Forget the Lilies

Some days it seems
That I subsist
On naught but faith alone
Carried through
Life’s wilderness
By a strength that’s not my own
Wearied by the crushing weight
Of my hopelessly human flaws
I could let the shadows drown me
But this drop of light
Is enough to give me pause:
He does not forget the lilies,
He does not forget the birds,
To the lonely and despairing,
There is healing in His words
In His hands forever scarred by nails
We can find the most precious balm
He cannot and will not forget us,
For we have been graven in His palms.

“Attempt to be Creative...”

Once upon a time, I used to write a lot. It was mostly poetry and stories (the poetry being mostly angsty teenage poetry). But as I decided to study animation in school and got more serious about pursuing art, I kind of let my writing fall by the wayside. I’ve continued to keep a personal journal, and I’ve made several attempts at writing a novel I started when I was 11, but besides that, I haven’t done much. But I continue to feel drawn to it, despite the fact that with two children, I have even less time to write than I did in school. So I’m starting with this blog. I don’t even really know where it’s going to go, but it feels like the right thing to do right now. 

As I listened to some General Conference talks today, I remembered how much I loved Elder Gerrit W Gong’s talk, “Our Campfire of Faith.” In particular, I loved when he quoted Elder Richard G Scott, when he said, “Attempt to be creative, even if the results are modest. … Creativity can engender a spirit of gratitude for life and for what the Lord has woven into your being. … If you choose wisely, it doesn’t have to absorb a lot of time.”

I often wonder what my future holds with regards to my creativity. I have always been driven to create. I will often feel anxious and irritable if it’s been a while since I made something, whether it be a drawing, a story, or even singing a song. Life starts to feel gray and bland, and I find myself less forgiving, and less joyful when I can’t create. But as I have become a mother, I want my greatest efforts to be directed toward my children, and I often feel that doesn’t leave me the necessary time to create what I want. That’s why I love that quote so much. The results may be modest indeed for a while, as I raise my children, but Heavenly Father still encourages me to still work on the talents He has given me. It’s part of who I am, and it’s important that my children know me for who I am. It’s important for them to see that I work hard to develop my talents, so that they will in turn develop theirs. Just like my own wonderful mother, whose dream was to write novels, and who has now published several novels, and continues to write. 

So, here is my first attempt to get back into writing. It doesn’t seem like much, but I feel better already. 

I Want To Believe

This is a poster from The X Files, which is probably the world’s greatest TV series. Probably. Anyway, my husband and I are both pretty nerdy, so we love to get nerdy decor and hang it in our house. I’m pretty sure we got this poster the one time we went to Salt Lake Comic Con dressed as Mulder and Scully.
While I love the show, I have come to love this poster even more as it currently hangs in our bathroom. I find my mind lingering on the words often. Even though, in the show, the words refer to believing in aliens (which by the way, spoiler alert, Mulder’s belief does eventually pay off), they have come to mean more in my mind.
I want to believe. I want to believe there is good in this world. I want to believe that life has a purpose. I want to believe that even when death parts us from loved ones, we can see them again, and our love doesn’t die with them. I want to believe that emotional pain and heartache can be healed. I want to believe I can become a better person, especially on days when I’m fairly certain I’m the worst person I know. I want to believe that things won’t always be hard, and hearts can heal and loneliness can abate.
I want to believe that there’s a God who loves me. I want to believe that He has a plan for us. I want to believe that He has prophets on the Earth today who can lead us and guide us, and be His mouthpieces.
And because I want to believe, I do. And because I have believed, I have had the Spirit whisper the truthfulness of these things to me. But I needed the desire first, and to take a few steps into the unknown. I’ve had to hold on for what seemed like little eternities for answers to prayers and blessings I hoped for. Sometimes, God waits. But He never forgets us, even when we forget Him.
I think of my 4 month old, who sometimes I need to leave in his bed for a moment so he’s safe while I help my 2 year old. Sometimes he starts crying, and to me it seems as if he thinks I’ve forgotten him. I could never forget him. He is always on my mind.
I know it’s the same with God. He could never forget us. But sometimes He needs us to wait.

Lessons from House Hunting

Guys. House hunting is not very fun. I’m just gonna throw that out there. It is a bucket of stress.

I did have an interesting experience I’d like to share, though. We had been looking for a little while, and even had put an offer in on a townhouse that didn’t get accepted. I was feeling pretty down and discouraged about everything. We went out on a Saturday to look at I’m pretty sure a gajillion houses, and the last house on our list was kind of far from the Hubby’s work, but it looked promising. We looked around, and it had literally everything we were looking for and more (it had FIVE bedrooms, AND a bay window, AND it was well below our approved limit, but wasn’t gross surprisingly). It was on what seemed like a pretty quiet street with a fantastic view of the mountains. The only thing I didn’t like was the commute to see family or for Jeff to work. But I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and would consider myself a small town type of girl, so it seemed fitting. But I just couldn’t commit to it. I just felt wrong, and I thought maybe I was scared or something, and it would pass, and we would put an offer in for that one. But the feeling didn’t go away, and both my mom and my real estate agent wisely advised me not to ignore that feeling. So, feeling even more discouraged, I went back to combing the real estate site. After a few days of this, I was texting one of our agents and telling her that I thought maybe we needed a break from looking, because we were both feeling down about the whole process. But I decided to check one more time on the site, and a new listing popped up in an area really close to our apartment. I sent it to our agent and asked if we could look at it ASAP. We looked at it that night, and without even having to discuss it, as soon as we left the house, Jeff and I both turned to our agents and said, “Yep! Let’s make an offer on this one!” We did the next day, and our offer was accepted just about 24 hours after the listing had originally popped up on my phone.
Honestly, that house was more expensive, and had less rooms and square feet. But it just felt right, you know? The second I stepped through the door, I was met with a peaceful feeling.
It’s something that I think God has been trying to get through my head. Sometimes the logical choice is not the best choice, or the choice that will make us most happy. It was not logical for me to approach my ex-boyfriend out of the blue, whose car I had desecrated with glitter because I was upset one night after our breakup, and tell him that not only should we get back together, but that I wanted to marry him. Yet, I felt like even though it was completely crazy, it was the right thing to do. And it absolutely was, because now we’re happily married with two kids and just bought our first house.